Eleventh grade, 16 years old. It started out of seemingly nowhere; symptoms that would not go away. Stomach pains that were painstakingly constant. Doctors were skeptical at first. “It’s IBS” they would say. "Try to de-stress, it’s all in your head". Then favorite foods began to cause pain. The weight loss was continuous. This was not just IBS. Then the tests; the nightmare began. Another and another. The first appointment to see a specialist revealed that this was “serious.” But what did serious mean? At sixteen, these words rang fear and uncertainty about the future. Would I be able to feel better again? When would this nightmare end? When would I finally know what this strange sickness was?
That year I learned sickness. Crohn’s raged its ugly head and did not let up. Test after test revealed the same thing. All signs pointed to Crohn’s. The final step was in order; time to make sure. And thus a colonoscopy was ordered. I remember it like it was yesterday. Being rolled into the surgery room knowing when I come out my life will forever change. I will no longer be young and carefree. Next thing I knew I was waking up in a haze with my gastro peering over me in my hospital bed saying those very words I feared “you have Crohn’s Disease.” Those four words might as well have been a four letter word. Although they would later become part of my mantra.
What now? What happens from here? Knowing is one thing; healing is another. And the journey was long and frustrating. Medication after medication. Unimagineable side effects. I began walking down this path paved for me- full of drugs, nutrition, shots, bloodwork, hospitals, doctors, specialists, missed school, fear, and anxiety. It was the day after the hospital that I began to understand what life with Crohn’s Disease would look like- specialists, tests, a plethora of drugs, a strict limited diet, bed rest- but the idea of it looking like that forever haunted me. How could I possibly be sick forever?
Well I can’t say it gets easier but it does get easier to manage and deal with. I feel stronger, I feel bitter. I feel hopeful, I feel despair. I feel independent, I feel like I need someone to lean on. The fear of the unknown stays. The lessons stay too- the realization that I CAN do this and WILL survive. I may not know what my future with this disease holds but I do know that I can face it. I HAVE Crohn’s; Crohn’s DOES NOT have me. This is the mantra I have developed. It’s what I have to play and re-play in my head. It’s the understanding that IT is (and at this point always will be) a PART of who I am. But it’s not all that I am. I’m still me- a daughter, friend, girlfriend, sister, granddaughter, athlete, avid baker… and most of all happy go lucky girl with that constant unwavering smile on my face.
You are, and continue to be, my inspiration. All the challenges you have met head on would bring any man/woman to their knees, but you have found eternal optimism in what could have been pervasive misery. Like an Olympian in the game of life, you have spent years to get in this fantastic condition and the spectacle witnessing you far eclipses anything that happened in London. There is nothing you can't do and I'm proud to say that I play a small part in your massive heart. I love you. Your #1 fan and biggest supporter :).
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