Oh, hello old friend

Just the other day I thought to myself.... it's been foreverrr since I've had a flare. I can't really remember what a flare feels like. Well apparently Crohn's heard me because it came back to pay me a visit. And boy have I been reminded of just how miserable it is. Going on day 4 here I feel defeated. Disappointed. Angry. Scared. Exhausteddd. I just want the pain to end. Too much to ask?

On the inside I'm struggling.... a lot. I guess since it had been so long I felt normal.... dare I say healthy again?! I felt strong, whole, positive... like me again. I was able to get up each day without FEAR. The fear of when will IT show its ugly head again? And I revelled in that feeling. For the first time since 2005 I began to feel like I can hack this... this isn't so bad, right?! I got up each day without Crohn's as the first thing on my mind. Truthfully somedays I would forget until it was meds time. I feel blessed in that I got to experience almost an entire year of that. But this past Tuesday reminded me again that I am SICK. And I'm not a fan because, although the physical pain hurts, the emotional/psychological warfare I'm going through this week is far worse.

I try to occupy my mind and have successfully done so for a good chunk of the week but anytime I really let myself go there.... oh boy here I go. My newly acquired strength/positivity feels fake to me or half-assed. When I'm healthy I'm so strong and positive and feel like I can conquer the world. I am go go go. Energizer bunny status. Why can't this mindset continue all the time... flare or not? But I have noticed a huge difference in my mind since Tuesday. I feel hopeless, sad, pissed off at the world (what did I do to deserve this?- childish I know), and the emotion I hate the most. FEAR. I absolutely hate the anxiety the comes out as soon as I get sick. I fear I won't feel better. I fear it'll get worse. I fear more meds. I fear surgeries. I fear hospitals. I fear that I won't get back to me again.

I've noticed that the anxiety runs deep. Typically, when my head hits the pillow I'm out... cold... for as long as possible. Mel + sleep= pure bliss. But this week I can't fall asleep or stay asleep whatsoever. I've slept a grand total of 6 hours all week. Yet I don't feel tired..... still! You'd think my body would want some energy to fight this but apparently it wants to see how much I can take. Body-1, Mel- 0. A wise person once said to me that anxiety is our body's way of telling us "pay attention to me" ... "something's going on." Well body I hear you loud and clear.

So that's where I'm at. Outwardly, the brave warrior. Inwardly.... ehhh a mess?! So what to do... because despite the defeat I'm feeling, ultimately I wouldn't be Melly if I didn't fight back. So what to do?! Well one of my favorite grad professors once told me that I can't control everything but I can focus on what I can control. I can't control my flare but I can control my mindset, diet, meds... being proactive is MY CONTROL. I need to stay focused on eating comfy belly foods, actually seeing my gastro (yes I avoid it), taking my meds on time, I need to remember that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. The pain will end and I will be well again. In the time being I need to remind myself that I HAVE CROHNS, IT DOES NOT HAVE ME.