Starting this off....

So I previously had a blog that I started way back when that I sort of abandoned. I've been wanting to start blogging again so I figured that first ever blog post can start me off over here.... 

February 2011:
I decided that I was going to start writing everyday and start my very own blog. We will see how this goes….

The main reason I wanted to start this blog was for me to get out my experiences, worries, feelings about having Crohn’s Disease. It’s been 6 years since I was diagnosed this month… wow I can’t believe it’s been that long already. I feel like I tend to keep it on the DL and try not to bother people with it but here it goes…. it’s time for me to own my illness, work through my illness, and accept my illness. Here goes my journey….

As I’m often told “I have Crohn’s Disease, Crohn’s does not have ME.” I think I’ve been doign a much better job lately living those words but dude there are days where that I just can’t get there. When I am so sick and can barely move without every part of me aching, it’s hard to say that Crohn’s isn’t winning. It’s such a frustrating never ending struggle to fight this disease knowing that I will never get rid of it ugh. I do what I’m supposed to, I live by the rules… strict diet, swallow pills, strict diet again, more pills, rest, de-stress, go to doctor’s, more pills, etc. etc. I suppose you get the point. But sometimes I feel like it’s all for not. I live each day to manage this disease but no matter what I do I will never get truly better. It will always be a part of me and my body, I hate that!

Side note, I am definitely venting today. I’m physically and mentally exhausted….. feeling like crap. Not sure why? I haven’t done a thing to aggravate it… that’s another frustrating part for me. Why, oh why, does Crohn’s insist on flaring when I have grad school tomorrow and didn’t eat anything bad all day?! Yet, I see everyone around me drinking coffee, eating candy, etc etc…. none of which I can eat or even venture to eat… and yet I’m the sick one?!

Now on a more positive note, I know I can handle this. I can. I’ve done it for 6 years… graduated high school w/ honors, graduated college with above a 3.0 GPA, and now onto grad school. I’m making it. I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do despite this disease. It has been one heck of a battle to get here. There are days when I sit in class or drive to school and I literally feel like I might collapse right then and there. Yet I make it through. And get up and keep going the next day. I think my future keeps me going. I know that someday it’ll just get better. I hope I have learned so many life lessons that I think so many people will never get in life. I learned how to take care of myself and be an adult at 16. While everyone else was worried about how they would do laundry when they went away to college. I was managing a chronic illness, taking pills, scheduling appointments, taking on so much. And I’m proud of myself for that. I took it on. I have learned how much strength I truly have. I have to laugh sometimes when people complain about being “sooo sickkk”. I’m sure that they do feel that way and are entitled to feel that way but damn if they only knew what “sick” really felt like….. being so weak and sick that you body throbs and you can’t move, you can’t keep anything down, you’re burning up with fever, and so inflammed you could cry. I think 99% of people could not imagine what it’s like to have to deal with that one night and then go to class the next day. So another life skill it’s taught me I guess. I’m finding the positive. And the strength I’ve built is definitely one.

I think the thing Crohn’s has done for me that people have mentioned and tend to notice is that it has made me soooo grateful for the little things. I appreciate life and am so passionate about helping people because of this disease. God do I ever know that life is tooo short and I plan on doing big things while I still can

Well I’m done with my vent of the moment. Feels good to get it out though
I think I’ll end with a quote each time and this one sooo defines how I feel lately…. “I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that he didn’t trust me so much."
Mother Teresa






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So it’s been quite a whileeee since I wrote that first post (Feb '11). I kind of put this goal on the back burner… school/life became the priority for a bit. I’ve been at such peace lately with myself, my life, everything really. I’ve been soooo HEALTHY! and it’s not something that I take for granted. I know how blessed I am for this.

This summer opened my eyes. And in many ways I needed it. I spent so much time allowing Crohn’s to take over my life. I had this mantra going “I have Crohn’s, Crohn’s does not have me”…. I understood but didn’t live it. I spent a lot of time ignoring the TRUTH and got stuck in time. I couldn’t (correction- wasn’t ready to) move forward and accept my illness and it’s restrictions on my life. And work around them to become a better, STRONGER me. I felt “less than” and maybe even sometimes… unworthy?! (cringing to see myself type that). But I felt like my disease defined me. And as much as I tried to escape that reality I couldn’t face it. The fear kept me frozen in time. And I think I lived as though it didn’t effect me. I put on such a mask (cringing again) outwardly and didn’t allow myself to feel what was real. I didn’t want people to see me as less than perfect. And in many ways, I didn’t want to see myself as less than perfect. (how unattainable) So I hid Crohn’s… that part of me. I didn’t care of myself the way that I should and therefore my body didn’t take care of me (why would it?). I was sick of being sick.

 This summer I broke free of that crap. Yes, I have Crohn’s. That isn’t going away. But I DO have control over it. I HAVE THE CHOICE to take care of myself the best I can. I may not feel good everyday and that’s okay. Who does anyway? I need to take my vitamins and pills, get sleep, get exercise, relax, de-stress, and spend time with people who love me and support me. That’s the control that I have. For a long time I felt like Crohn’s has the control but it doesn’t need to be the tug of war battle. Crohn’s is PART OF ME, not some outside force/enemy trying to hurt me. I am at peace with it and myself. I am enjoying this new walk in faith and I have a little sneaking suspicion that 2012 is about to be the best year of my life....